IN THE SWING

So the night I hosted book club, my husband Tom went out with his buddy John to hear some jazz.  Turns out the "jazz night" wasn't what they expected.  

That Tom and John found each other is one of those things that happen in the universe - they are both attorneys, musicians, and  funny guys.  They bring out the silly in each other. Tom tried to turn John into a bike rider but John fell off his bike rolling along in a residential neighborhood and broke his hip - so they don't do sports together any more except for going to the local theater to watch football on the big screen and drink beer.

Back to the jazz night.  Turns out that the other attendees of jazz night were a lot of women of a certain age who made it very clear that they were there to dance.  I questioned the dance -ability of jazz but that is not part of the story.  Tom and John spent the evening having cocktails and coming up with a plan to buy "shiny clothing", learning to dance and then going out and offering their dancing services to these women.  When I pointed out that Tom has danced maybe 3 times since our wedding 29 years ago, he shrugged.  Really, it was all about the outfits.  Whether they should do sequins and epaulets and maybe embroider their names on jackets...like I said.  Silly men.

Of course, when I explained that women do tend to love to dance and that a man who could really dance was a rare and magical creature,  I guess I got Tom's attention because a week or so later we went out for an introductory West Coast Swing dance lesson.  Now we are taking lessons every Monday night.

Each woman I have told about this interesting development says their husband would never voluntarily take dance lessons.  I would have said the same thing.  Something has happened in this second year of our empty nest.  My husband has been so much more focused on the quality of our time together, more interested in developing our social life and expanding our activities.

On the way home from our second dance lesson we had a great time talking about all the other couples in the class and how they danced and partnered (they make you change partners every few minutes so we dance with all the other members of the class!) We will never be that couple who gets into the dance thing and travels around doing competitions, but we can already see that  it is a great activity and opportunity to meet some new people - which is harder and harder to do after the kids are grown.

Plus dancing clothes!

 

AN EMPTIED NEST

In between cleaning out her bedroom and bathroom - monumental tasks each, I have been texting and talking with Ally from her new digs at school.  She has had some difficulties, lonely hours and now that classes started, hopefully some calming routines will settle in.

I have been enjoying the clean.  When I leave for work with a neat kitchen, I come home to a neat kitchen.  Which is not to say that my husband has suddenly started doing dishes - lol - but his plate or bowl left on the counter is nothing in comparison with the scattered cups, spoons, unwashed cutting board and other detritus Ally left in her wake.

I have not done laundry yet because I don't have enough to make a load - never a problem with a teen aged girl around.

The cash in my wallet stays in my wallet!

The thing that doesn't change?  That mom radar.  There is a part of my brain that is constantly sending out waves in search of my kids.  I have this undercurrent of awareness of where they are and what they might be doing at all times.  It is hard to express but I suspect most moms can relate.  No matter how far from home they are, there is a part of me seeking them out.

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY

Moving into the dorm today!

COUNTDOWN TO THE EMPTY NEST

It is August 10th.  In one week I will be moving Ally into her dorm room and driving home to an "empty nest."  I have no illusions that it is permanently empty.  Summers will come, circumstances may cause one of the kids to move home again.  However, it will be the first time Tom and I are living alone since 1987.  Wow.

I don't think I'll feel that sense of loss that some women report.  When I took the older two to college I felt great excitement tempered by some anxiety over their safety and happiness.  I learned that the first semester is the time to remain positive and supportive and to hear their worries with the knowledge that they will ease in further in the next months.  I feel secure about that part of the equation.

I also know that immense stress and conflict entered my marriage along with the joys of parenthood.  Even with date nights and vacations away from the kids, the marriage ends up being far and away about the care, feeding, clothing, social lives, injuries, school activities, dating, grades, happiness, surliness, sports, illnesses, tattoos, fiances, driving, curfews, attitudes, teeth, weight, skin, hair, messiness, computer time, sexuality, coming and going of the kids.

Those topics will still be on the table, and new ones will arise, but they will never again be such a looming presence - once none of them are present day to day.

A small study by the American Psychological Association showed that a majority of parents scored higher on marital satisfaction after children had left home.
Researchers had hypothesized that the improvement in marital happiness came from couples’ spending more time together, but the women in the study reported spending just as much time with their partners whether the children were living at home or had moved out, but the quality of that time was better.

“There are fewer interruptions and less stress when kids are out of the house,” said Dr. Gorchoff. “It wasn’t that they spent more time with each other after the children moved out. It’s the quality of time they spent with each other that improved.”

I am sure that is true.  Without the daily care and negotiations it will be easier to enjoy the time together.  Just as a night out once the kids could take care of themselves was much more enjoyable than those when the babysitter was always on my mind.

We are still years away from being relieved of the financial responsibility of our children, but a week from now, I will be alone with my husband, again.