ALL THIS AND ISOLATION, TOO

Three weeks after I moved to another city in another state to escape the high prices of the SF Bay Area and to be near my son and his wife in Nevada - the stay at home orders came out.  I had managed to get really well settled into my little house and was looking forward to being out and about  - getting to know the area and to start finding ways to meet people.

 I had signed up for a couple of classes and was researching bike and social groups.   I had visited several gyms and chose one to join.  I got all signed up with a local doctor.  I completed the process to get a new drivers license and register my car.  I was all revved up to get out there and start a routine and meet people and fill my no longer work and husband filled time. 

It all came to a screeching halt.  For good reason - I am not arguing that at all.  I don't have health issues, but I am of the age group that is at risk.  The last thing I would want is to do something reckless and cause others to get sick or require care for myself.

It just seems to me when I think back over the last 6 months that this is personal.  Which is crazy, I know that.  It just seems like the universe is really piling it on considering all the drama and problems and issues and frustrations I have had to work through beginning with my husbands diagnosis and continuing to this day.  The number of hours invested in dealing with the fall out from his death, including identity theft, tax and financial issues, settlements from the moving company and disbursement of funds from accounts and even just trying to get mail delivered to the correct address. It seems endless and I have such empathy for anyone having to go through all of it. 

I am glad I was not working and able to be with my husband every one of his last days.  I have the time and the capacity to deal with all of the challenges I am facing. I can afford my little house in my new city and my car payment and groceries and the things I need.  I am near my son and my daughters who live across the country check in pretty much every day.  This will pass - at some point I'll do all the things I was looking forward to.

 Right now I am a bit too steeped in being alone and all the platitudes are getting annoying.  But in writing this I also feel annoyed by my own complaints.  So I am just going to knock it off and make a list of things to do for the rest of this week - and then the next one and just stay busy and active and stop whining.

TAKE THIS JOB AND...

 I  had a job I really liked.  I allowed myself to be chased away from it by a manipulative co-worker and a weak boss.  Over  time since that happened I have been through a roller coaster of anger, self doubt and deep depression.   So when I read news about employees who  take a gun onto work when they are going to be laid off, there is a part of me (my reptile brain?) that can relate to the frustration and anger - the lashing out.

On the other hand, there is this guy.  A Jet Blue steward who, after being hit on the head by a passenger taking his luggage down from the overhead bin and not receiving an apology,  cussed out all the passengers over the PA.  Then he grabbed a couple of beers,  inflated the emergency chute at the back of the plane and jumped.  He ran across the tarmac and through the airport and was arrested at his home in Queens a while later.

Now that was an exit!

IT'S BEEN LOVELY BUT NOW I HAVE TO SCREAM

I spent most of Friday glued to the computer taking online exams for government jobs. Jobs, I ,may add, which I believe would be soul killing should I actually snag one. Friday was also the last day of school so I was on duty to shuttle Ally hither and there for teen festivities. Sometime IN the afternoon, our next door neighbors set up a bouncy room in their front yard and had a herd of small children whose high pitched shrieks could be heard through the closed windows. Got the picture?

I was cross eyed and head achy when my husband came through the door and without a moment's pause began to berate me for how I parked my car. The thought process behind my parking decision, was simply that it would be temporary as I would soon be going out with Ally again and I didn't want to block his "space."

Rather than engage on the subject, I decided to pack my gym bag and leave when I drove Ally to her next destination. I went to the gym and mentally divided our assets while in the step machine. I was disappointed that the steam room and the whirlpool were not working on this rare occasion when I wanted to use them - but this was the theme of the day.

I called Ally to see if she was ready for a ride to her next destination, she said she and her friend were on the bus there and wouldn't need a ride until after 10. What to do? I was already down the passive aggressive path and not ready to go home.

I recall that I have a voucher for the movie theater. I have had it for about a year and a half. I will drive to the theater and see if there is anything I want to see! Me! My Choice!

The only attractive movie I recognised on the marquee was "My Life in Ruins" which I was aware of because Nia Vardalos had been on some show I saw talking about how hard it was to get it released into theaters because, according to the studios, "women don't go to the movies."

It was starting at 7:50 and it was 7:55. I grabbed a popcorn and kept a good thought that there would be a seat which didn't require that I disturb the on-time patrons. I slid into the dark theater as the opening credits were running and got a nice seat on the aisle.

Ladies, may I say that while this was a simplistic romantic comedy, it was funny and charming and filmed on location in Greece. The theater was full of laughing people. And it wasn't mean, slapstick humor. It was the perfect antidote to my day.

When I called the girls, they weren't ready to leave the party. The popcorn filled me up so I didn't need to eat. Where to go? To Borders to wander the aisles making note of books I'd like to read. I spent some time looking at the huge variety of magazines they carry and sat for a bit with the paperback I had in my purse. At 10:45 I went to get the girls and head home.