ONE YEAR A WIDOW

I was thinking about why I stopped posting this fall.  I know I wrote about 3 posts for every one I published.  Too much angst and negativity.  Not that 2020 has been easy -  but it hasn't been easy for any of us.  I guess it just felt like piling on.

Anyway.  It is now a year and 1 week since my husband died.  His birthday was yesterday.  I felt a little pressure to commemorate his birthday but coming on the heels of the death date it seemed too much focus on what is past and can't be changed and he wasn't into his birthday anyway.

I know I sent out some cards last year, and responded to some of the condolence cards I got but when I sat down to write out my holiday cards I realized I couldn't remember what I said and to whom.  I reflected back on a few things during that first few months and realize I am quite fuzzy about them - at the time I felt very in control and rational.

There was so much that had to be done and decided and so any difficult revelations
after his death that I immersed myself in carrying on.  It really wasn't until this summer that things began to settle, tax issues were adjudicated, credit issues determined, etc. Then I did a bit of traveling to see my aged parents and ailing sister and then I got a puppy.  So still making myself busy and distracted.

It really has been a year of distractions - I kept trying to get out and do things and Covid restrictions kept shutting them down.  I had to deal with a couple of minor medical issues - made not so easy by the current situation.  It was wound up by the election, RBG's death, all the political shenanigans.  And now that much of the dust has settled and we are once again staying home and keeping distances and holiday shopping and mailing is done and the weather has turned frigid - well, grief has been smacking me around quite a bit.

I have allowed myself to accept it, to let it move me.  When I began to cry while walking the dog (there was an older man riding his bike down the street) I just let it happen.  Watching TV shows where older couples are choosing a vacation or retirement home - tears for what I won't experience.  When the couple bicker over stuff when house hunting - I get mad.  When the widow in the movie has a home for her family to gather and trim the tree - I feel sorry for myself for not having that. I kept thinking of things I am not going to be buying for him for the holidays - our little traditions gone for good.

 So it took a year, a lot of distractions and avoidance, but now I feel more.  I wondered if it would happen and it has and it's okay.  I'm not depressed, I am simply in a place where I can feel and acknowledge all that has been lost to me and our kids and continue to carry on without fear of being broken. Sad for what has been lost but making a new life day by day.

 

THE REVEAL

Tom and I had certainly not foreseen that this would happen so soon in our lives - we expected a good 10 years before major health issues might occur.  We lived a healthy lifestyle and had no medical issues.  We had, however, spent time discussing things like quality of life and how far we would or would not allow medical intervention for each other.

I served as his advocate and was respected by the medical staff in that role.  His mental capacity was compromised and he had trouble speaking on and off during his hospitalization.  When he was lucid and could communicate well, he had many things he felt strongly about telling me.  He was extremely focused on his work, he made sure his clients had been taken care of.  He repeatedly told me about financial stuff like passwords and when bills were due that he handled. Even when he was delirious or sleepy, he insisted on holding his phone and having his blue tooth in his ear - during the nights I would wake up to him talking away as if he was conducting business.

It was clear to the family that in the last days he was asking for our help, asking to be let go. Things had deteriorated so significantly that much of his day was spent undergoing care that was painful and intrusive and not creating any gains.  We were all in agreement about stopping treatment and the staff handled the end very well with great respect and consideration.  He knew we were all there and the last word he said was "love".

The entire family retreated to our house to sleep.  In the morning we started making lists of things that needed to be done - divided it up and got to work.  We are a family of "doers".  Each of us in our own state of shock/grief/bewilderment we set about our tasks.  As the day went on, it became clear that there was a big problem.  I knew that I would not be able to afford the big house we had just rented, but the financial situation was significantly more dire than I had ever imagined. 

He would be very angry that I am even revealing this to others, but I think it is very important not to gloss over things - not just because this is the grim reality of my life now, but because it should serve as a warning.  I am not one of those old fashioned women who left everything up to my spouse.  I knew we had tax debt because I signed the taxes and payment plans every year.  I argued with him about his refusal to pay his quarterly estimated taxes as a self employed person.  He always argued back that if he had bad months back to back he might not be able to pay the rent or his bills to keep his practice going.  I know he lived in constant stress about his business month to month. 

Going through the finances, notifying creditors of his death, determining what accounts had to be paid or closed was significantly aided by the fact that he had created a comprehensive list with all his accounts and passwords.  What going through that revealed was gut wrenching.  Long story short (sorry, I guess this is not so short) he had massive consumer debt in his name that I did not know about and he had gotten behind on the tax payment plans and the IRS was after us. Big time.

Not only is finding I would have to deal with all this another kick in the gut, the kids were all exposed to this information and, quite frankly, we are all really pissed off about it.  Yes, he had no idea he was going to get sick and die.  Yes, he clearly was upset and obsessed with this throughout his illness and confinement in the hospital. Yes, he was trying to shield me with the belief he was somehow going to get it taken care of over time - but he didn't end up with time. 

I feel such pain knowing how worried he was all during his illness, he knew this hammer was out there and if he didn't survive it was going to come down on me. 

On the other hand - REALLY?  Keeping all this from me for years? Not being honest?  Pretending like we could actually purchase a house again?  Agreeing I could retire?

This reveal was only the beginning - much more to follow.

FRIDAY FAST ONES

1.)  This morning I was driving behind a vintage car and as my car filled up with the exhaust fumes being emitted from that old Chevy I was taken back to the days when most cars put out that stink.  So glad we have managed to do better with those emissions.  Looking forward to the day when we do even better. 

2.)  Went to see The Impossible last night.  (Actually we had hoped to see Hyde Park on the Hudson but that theater was showing Gone with the Wind for some reason!)  I had mild interest in seeing The Impossible because of the award nominated performances and yummy Ewan McGregor - so we went.

Tom told me that there had been some negativity about the movie because of the "happy ending" aspects of it and the fact that it focused on a Western family when there were so many Thai victims and families torn apart by the tsunami.  So I went into it with some wariness.  I came out feeling that the criticism was unwarranted.  I felt that the filmmakers made a mistake in prolonging the ending scene but that the devastation of the local, the loss of life, the tearing apart of families and the displacement so many people was well documented and featured in the film.  I felt the devastation deeply and I think the characters who had their "impossible" happy ending felt it too.

3.)  I let out a big cheer when I saw Hilary Clinton angrily speaking out to Congress in response to their inane and repetitive questions about the attack on the consulate in Benghazi.  I didn't see the clip but read that at another point she teared up.  I am so happy to have a woman who isn't afraid to show her personal involvement and feelings about these events.

Surprise, surprise some douchy GOP members and media outlets are saying she faked her emotions to avoid answering the tough questions... I'd want out of that job, too. The woman has worked herself into a nub and still gets no respect or courtesy.

4.)  I have been to a number of gatherings lately and keep hearing women talking about things their financial planners have told them.  Having never had a financial planner or even considered it - I wondered about this trend.

Do you use a financial planner and has it been helpful?