ONE YEAR A WIDOW

I was thinking about why I stopped posting this fall.  I know I wrote about 3 posts for every one I published.  Too much angst and negativity.  Not that 2020 has been easy -  but it hasn't been easy for any of us.  I guess it just felt like piling on.

Anyway.  It is now a year and 1 week since my husband died.  His birthday was yesterday.  I felt a little pressure to commemorate his birthday but coming on the heels of the death date it seemed too much focus on what is past and can't be changed and he wasn't into his birthday anyway.

I know I sent out some cards last year, and responded to some of the condolence cards I got but when I sat down to write out my holiday cards I realized I couldn't remember what I said and to whom.  I reflected back on a few things during that first few months and realize I am quite fuzzy about them - at the time I felt very in control and rational.

There was so much that had to be done and decided and so any difficult revelations
after his death that I immersed myself in carrying on.  It really wasn't until this summer that things began to settle, tax issues were adjudicated, credit issues determined, etc. Then I did a bit of traveling to see my aged parents and ailing sister and then I got a puppy.  So still making myself busy and distracted.

It really has been a year of distractions - I kept trying to get out and do things and Covid restrictions kept shutting them down.  I had to deal with a couple of minor medical issues - made not so easy by the current situation.  It was wound up by the election, RBG's death, all the political shenanigans.  And now that much of the dust has settled and we are once again staying home and keeping distances and holiday shopping and mailing is done and the weather has turned frigid - well, grief has been smacking me around quite a bit.

I have allowed myself to accept it, to let it move me.  When I began to cry while walking the dog (there was an older man riding his bike down the street) I just let it happen.  Watching TV shows where older couples are choosing a vacation or retirement home - tears for what I won't experience.  When the couple bicker over stuff when house hunting - I get mad.  When the widow in the movie has a home for her family to gather and trim the tree - I feel sorry for myself for not having that. I kept thinking of things I am not going to be buying for him for the holidays - our little traditions gone for good.

 So it took a year, a lot of distractions and avoidance, but now I feel more.  I wondered if it would happen and it has and it's okay.  I'm not depressed, I am simply in a place where I can feel and acknowledge all that has been lost to me and our kids and continue to carry on without fear of being broken. Sad for what has been lost but making a new life day by day.

 

BACK TO WORK - 10 WEEKS POST SURGERY

I survived my first two weeks back at work - weeks 8 and 9 I worked between 3.5 and 5 hours per day.  My job keeps me on a chair, wearing a headset in front of a computer.  I managed very well with taking breaks to stretch my legs and use ice during a break. Put a box under my desk to change my leg position now and then.

I was stiff when I got home - about a 20 minute drive which is hard on the right leg - and usually did an immediate PT session followed by ice, then another one before dinner.  I found I was very tired and in bed early each night.  I am still using Tylenol and Advil  and, though I keep trying to skip it, still using the Percocet at bedtime - hopefully I'll be off that in the next week or so.

The only other complaint I have is continued incision pain/discomfort.  The incision is healing really well and looks good but by the end of the day is so tender and sensitive I frequently go to bed early so I can leave my knees exposed - no clothing,  sheet or nightgown touching them! Have not read about anyone else having this issue...

This week, week 10, I am up to 5.5 hours per day (at work 6 hours due to required lunch break) and plan to increase to 7 hours next week and back to full time on my 12th week following surgery.

 My surgeon thought this was ambitious but I am feeling good, I still have time for at least 2 sessions of stretching and strengthening.  I was concerned during week 9 because my right leg was not showing the same improvement and strength as my left, but it suddenly kicked in, they are getting more equal and my gait is much improved.  I still get more stiffness in the right knee and work it harder during my PT sessions.

 I am only up to about 20-25 minutes a session on the exercise bike - I do feel more pain following the longer sessions so I am trying not to cause a backwards slide - tho I really feel good when I am on the bike!!

HOPEFULLY HELPFUL TIPS FOR TKR PREPARATION

I did a lot in preparation for surgery and for the post op period at home.  I have a few hints that I thought I would share,  Having had both knees replaced, I am in a slightly different position in terms of functionality and recovery, but these things may turn out to be helpful for any TKR patient,

Having some help keeping track of paperwork, post op instructions and pharmaceuticals is a big

help.  My future DIL is a nurse and she actually created a daily chart for me to track all the things we needed to deal with daily.  I could check off the timing of my meds, supplements, water intake, activity, use of ice machines, etc.  Plus keep notes of any issues for follow up.  I am still using it to keep track of my pain and inflammation doses during the day - it can be a challenge to keep track and remember the timing as it can change day to day.

FYI - For those who might be bariatric patients or who take a lot of nutritional supplements - take care with adding vitamin K when taking blood thinners in the first couple of weeks following surgery - check with your physician on this.

Mine is labeled TheraBand

Initially I spent a lot of time in bed - it was more comfortable and close to the bathroom. I recommend having as large a bedside table as possible!  There were a lot of things on it - water bottle, usually a tea cup, meds, phone, TV remote, clock,log book and pen, etc.  I also liked having a chapstick, some gum, a book and hand lotion.  Think about he little things that give you pleasure and make you feel pampered when you are in pain and can't shower with the frequency you would like! This is really just for the first week or so - but FYI.

Having a strap around has been invaluable.  Mine is a stretchy one, but a static one like those used in yoga works, too. I used it to leverage my legs on and off my bed and sofa and now use it several times a day for my PT exercises.

I love my ice machines!  A great tip is to freeze water bottles and use them instead of ice cubes - not as messy, easy to carry to and from whatever room you are using the ice machine in.

I was unable to sit at a table to use a computer for about a month or so - and I could not tolerate a laptop on my lap as my legs were too tender - so a TV tray, breakfast tray or other sort of lap desk would have been great for meals and for computer use.

We put our  family room leather sofa up on bed risers to make it easier for me to get up and down.  Very helpful when you want to use furniture without arms to leverage up and down. With two knees out of commission - I had to have someone lift me up before we got the risers - afterwards I could do it by myself.   Eight weeks later and the risers are still there!  Might as well have some things easier.

Hope these ideas are helpful - going into this surgery there is not a lot of info on recovery - I was lucky I had help and some of these items on hand!

KEEPING SPIRITS UP - ONE MONTH POST-OP

I know that I have had an amazingly positive experience with my bilateral total knee replacement.  I planned well, got onto pretty good shape ahead of the rigors of the recovery and have a good support circle.  I seem to be hitting all the markers per the PT staff, I have been reducing my pain meds but feel free to take more if it creeps up. We have even had a couple of weeks of temps in the 70's so I have gone outside to sit in the warm sun with a book a few afternoons.  Still, one month in,  I am tired of the whole thing and having to make a real daily effort to keep my spirits up.

One of the ladies in my class summed it up - we just want normal again.

That is gonna take a while!  It may be 2 months before I go back to work, but it may be 6 months before I can bend my knees without some pain.  Each little moment when this experience is not uppermost in my mind is great - then there is a reminder laying in wait!  Yesterday I went to stand up without thinking and without using my arms to leverage myself up and I thought I was going to pass out it hurt so much.

There is some distance to go.

On the other hand - I am up on this bike!!!!

DRUGS OR THE NEEDLE

I chose the needle.  The option to deal with the pain gone wild through my lower back, down and round my leg causing  one or a number of simultaneous combinations of:   numbness, tingling, pins and needles and shooting, searing pain.  

For nearly 2 weeks I have been drugged with little or no effect.  The muscle relaxer I was told to take only at night because it caused drowsiness did not cause drowsiness, nor did it relax my muscles.  If my dose of Vicodin is what "Dr. House" takes I can understand why he pops them so frequently because it did nothing to dull my pain. The fact that I could get high dosage Advil for a 5 buck co-pay was a good buy, though.

I rested 5 days, went to work for 3 and was back to bed for 4 more days.  The nest step was prednisone but the side-effects freaked me out and it would take days for it to knock down the pain.  The other option was the epidural cortisone injection. 

One shot, back to work the next day.  Not healed - I will still have to be careful and rest and do my back exercises.  If this whole drama doesn't get me back to the gym regularly, nothing ever will.

GETTING OLDISH IS NOT FOR SISSIES

Not only did I take down and box up all my own holiday decorations, I spent hours at the hotel last night doing the same.  The nice part about doing it at the hotel, aside from being paid for it, was that I had a nice young man who did the heavy lifting and carted all the boxes away to store them for next year.  That part I have not done at home because I have no nice person who will help me without making a stink or requiring a bribe.

Today my left foot, which is riddled with arthritis, is swollen, very painful and making me unhappy.  My first thought was to go to the gym and work out and then take a jacuzzi.  My second thought was skip the workout and go straight for the soothing warm waters.  Instead I am blogging and complaining.  Happy?  Me neither.

My sister claims that the weather makes her ache all over.  Inwardly I have questioned this while offering soothing, supportive words.  Now I am beginning to think I am afflicted with the same issue.  The weather has been cold and rainy for weeks and I have been hobbling around that long.  The sad thing is that she is just 51 and I am her older sister.  I have arthritis in my left foot and both my knees and I think, though undiagnosed, a bit in my hands.  She has it in many more spots and more painfully,  in her back.

The internets say to use anti-inflammatories, heat or ice and lose weight in addition to piles of supplements which may or may not work - for me the glucosamine didn't work.  A physical therapist I talked to about it said that it works for some people and not for others.  I suspect that is the same story for many supplements.  The day t day handling of knee pain is in opposition in many ways to handing foot pain - so that doesn't help, either!

So now that I have started the new year off by complaining and not on the brightside, I will pick myself up and get to the gym!  If I were an emoticon person I would make a frownie face with a wink...