WOMEN AND LEADERSHIP

I have seen a couple of interviews with Sheryl Sandberg, the Facebook exec who wrote a book about women in leadership. I have also read some of the backlash and commentary about her. While I agree that a woman in her position of uber-wealth has little notion of what it is like for average families and single moms to work and raise children.

However,  I don't disagree with much of what she has to say about keeping your foot on the gas of your career right up until the time you need to slow down or stop.


I know that I have gone for decades without being able to determine what I want without a whole list of people and their wants and needs filtering my every thought. At 1 1/2 years since our youngest left for college, I am at the point of unscrambling that filter a bit.

I don't think I am alone in this. We women try to manage everything right up front, to plan and figure out how to make it work. If we are doing this in our work lives before the big issues are at hand - then we are putting the brakes on our careers based on what might be. Something men are certainly not doing and it holds women back.

I have obsessed over this issue when it comes to my daughters.  What to advise them about work and marriage and families.  My kids were grateful for my presence as an at home mom.  Personally I think it is the ideal - but I didn't have work or a career I love.  I didn't have a need to be out there to feel fulfilled.  And I certainly am not going to judge the women who do have those things.  I just don't know how they do it unless they make a lot of money, have a lot of flexibility and have a lot of help.

I have also paid dearly for not keeping a foot in the workplace for the 16 years I was home.  I have been working in low paying and unsatisfying jobs far beneath my education and training since our lives experienced an unplanned for upheaval sending me out to work again.

The big reason this whole issue is important to me really isn't the part about work/family balance.  It is the part about women having a different perspective on things which is so important to bring into corporations and government and all aspects of our society.

We have a different voice and way of looking at things which we need to inject into the decision making process if our country is ever going to move forward in a more humane and thoughtful way.  We need to encourage and teach girls how to be leaders and not hold back from taking those roles.  So I agree with Sheryl Sandberg when she says "Lean In":

"If more women lean in, we can change the power structure of our world and expand opportunities," she wrote. "Shared experience forms the basis of empathy and, in turn, can spark the institutional changes we need. More female leadership will lead to fairer treatment for all women."


I would say for all people.

WAS I WRONG TO BE A SAHM?

I am having a tough time emotionally with the job search thing right now. I keep thinking about what I could have/should have done differently in my life so this would not feel like such a disaster.

Should I not have stayed home with my children for 16 years? At the time I knew I was lucky for the opportunity so perhaps I should have been more aware that it might not last... and I should somehow have been preparing to go back into the job market.

I didn't get married until I was nearly 31 and had the twins when I was 35. I worked until 2 days before their planned C-section delivery. I had a nice solid resume going. Management experience, graduate degree.

After they were born I planned to go back to work on a part time basis with the support of the family owned and operated company. In fact, they were in negotiations to sell their company, which they did a month after the birth!

The new company hired me as a consultant - long story - but I worked from home mostly and made some money for about a year. By then, Tom was making a good salary and working very long hours. We decided I could stay at home, which I was very happy to do. It was 1988.

When the twins were 3 I went to work for a friend starting up a children's wear line. It involved regular hours but a long commute. It took a toll on our family and when we decided to have another child, I left that job and had our youngest when I was a couple of months shy of 40.

Tom made good money, I was busy with kids, we moved to a new state and back. The years went by. The economy was changing, corporations were being acquired and broken up and all kinds of nastiness as happening. Through a number of really difficult things that happened with Tom's corporate employers, we found ourselves without much savings, and Tom out of work. He just couldn't see going back into corporate life again and really wanted to be a practicing lawyer.

So he set himself up in our garage and started hustling for work. By that time our oldest kids were in high school and driving. The youngest was in school not too far from our home and Tom could easily take her to and from or she would walk, if necessary. So I started to look for work, too. It was 2004.

The last time I had a corporate job, there were one or two computers in the building. I had a secretary to do my typing. I sent telexes to communicate with European companies.

In the years since I had worked outside my home, I had used a computer to shop on e-Bay and help the kids with homework, do banking and put together photo collages for the sports teams. I had a passing familiarity with Word and had used e-mail. I had never even opened up Excel. I had seen the kids use Power Point. I used Quicken for my own finances.

Is is a surprise that it took 8 months to get a job? And that I was not ever once called for a management position I applied for? I was lucky that a woman with a small company too a liking to me in a phone interview and her first choice candidate declined the job. I was there for 5 years. Loved the work though it was administrative and customer service and, as far as my husband was concerned, far beneath me. I was really good at the job. I was an asset to the company. I worked hard and was on time and devoted myself to being a good employee. I was an idiot for leaving.

His practice is busy and he has been out of the garage for a few years now. He wanted me to work for him. I knew in my heart I could never work for him. I have a hard time living with him...but that is not the point of this post.

The point is, now I am even older. The economy is much worse. Employers are much more picky and paying less and less. No matter how high or low I apply, I can't break through. I can't figure out how to become employed. And more important than that:

I don't know what lesson to teach my daughters.

Should they not stay at home with their children? Keep working, even though I think it is best to be home if you can?

I have advised them about kinds of careers, like my sister's in nursing, which is so flexible and always in need, but they are not interested in that.

My parents said to delay marriage and children until we had lived more life because they had married and had children so young. Yet my mother had a wonderful career which started after I was gone to college - she was only 38 then!

I am awake at night worrying and upset and feeling that I have made wrong turns and bad decisions. How will you advise your daughters?

FRIDAY FAST ONES

1.) I have started a new blog about my "Diet Again - 2010".  Enough said on that subject except that being able to throw a couple of meals into my purse in two seconds flat was very helpful when it came to...

2.)  Spent the day in the ER with Ally on Thursday.  When I woke her up in the morning she was speaking nonsense so I thought she was talking in her sleep.  She put her hands to her head and said a bunch of words that didn't go together and when I asked her questions she looked at me like she couldn't understand me. 

I RAN TO THE PHONE. 

While I was on the phone with Kaiser she came down the stairs and tried to participate in the questions the nurse had - she had improved a bit in her ability to understand and could show where her headache was.  We ended up calling 911.  The 7 EMT's who crowded into our livingroom evaluated her and determined it was not a stroke.

3.)  After seven hours in the ER, a CT and other tests (but short of a lumbar puncture) it was diagnosed as a migraine.  I was not aware that  aphasia was a side effect for some migraine sufferers.  This was her first migraine. 


4.)  One moment of levity at the hospital came when an aide came into the room to put the hospital bracelet on Ally.  The nurse was trying to put it on and the aide, a Vietnamese woman, was saying "Is it defective?  I'll get another one."  The nurse was saying yes it wouldn't stay on.  The aide said "Defective.  Probably from China!" in this lilting  accent - everyone cracked up.


5.)  When Ally was feeling better I told her I was worried and taking this all very seriously not just because the doctors and nurses and para-medics and everyone was so worried, but because she came down the stairs and left the house without her phone.


The true sign of serious illness in a teen.   JK  (Just Kidding)

ROAD TRIP - DAY 2

After our day of wining and dining, Maggie and I needed some spa time. Calistoga is known for the mineral waters and the opportunity to take a mud bath. Dr. Wilkinson's is one of the long established bath houses in the area.

In my single days, my good friend Christina and I used to make the trip to have mud baths and lunch at Domaine Chandon. Now it has been since my honeymoon nearly 25 years ago since I was back. Maggie's reaction was that the mud smelled weird, she liked her masseuse and that there was a whole lotta naked time involved. True. Not for the shy, but extremely relaxing.

After lunch, we ventured up to Sterling Vineyards, which is reached by taking a tram up to the top of a very high hill. We lucked out - as seen in the photos - with an exceptionally beautiful day. We lounged about on the sundeck and sipped some wine and I would have stayed all afternoon except that Maggie had to have:

Pastries from the Bouchon Bakery, the rather famous bakery and restaurant run by the same folks as the famous French Laundry restaurant.
We also bought cookies for the family at home and some lovely bread for dinner.

We finished out day (and Tom's charge card) at the amazing Darioush Winery. The site is very Persian inspired, the wines were wonderful, the most gorgeous purple red color and they place a nice dish of pistachio nuts in front of you at the tasting bar. Very nice.

After a long drive home, our excellent adventure was done.

HOT OR NOT

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

THE PRINCE OF OUR DREAMS

When I was a girl, the eligible prince was Prince Charles of England. Many girls I whiled away the hours thinking of ways to get to England and meet him and become a princess.

Eventually he married a beautiful, much younger woman and had a family. The first little prince seemed to be a wonderful match for my oldest child, but she had no interest in pursuing him.

Tonight at midnight millions of women, young and old will flock to the theaters to see the young man pictured here play the perfect man - a vampire named Edward. My younger daughter loves the books about this young man, but she remains faithful to:

Rupert Grint of Harry Potter fame. She whiles away the hours thinking of ways to get to England and meet him and become a movie star's wife.