BE KIND, THAT'S IT

There is a quote, attributed to Plato, which keeps making the rounds on Pinterest which goes: 

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

This thought goes through my mind a lot.  When I realize I am being critical of another person, it comes to me like a mantra.  Of course, then I want to argue with myself that there are battles and there are battles, but that is the point of this mental exercise.

When I read something like this (I am linking the Jezebel article about this because Psychology Today must have pulled the blog post from it's website) I realize that there is a problem with trying to characterize the "battles" other people are fighting.  The writer of an article titled "Female Obesity: It's Not All Her Fault" suggests that obesity in women stems from a lack of male sexual and flirtatious attention. (I am not sure how this relates to lesbian couples, but perhaps he meant a partner, rather than male attention?)

This "relationship counselor"  is looking around the grocery store and sees all these women in their 20"s and 30's he considers obese and then proclaims that they must  not be getting any love from their husbands because otherwise they would magically be slim - or maybe just large because large can still be sexy according to this guy.

He is not the first to attach sexuality to overeating. But usually the shrinks are saying obese women are avoiding their sexuality by making themselves "larger"  and less attractive.  Frequently this is due to rape or molestation.  This PhD is suggesting that if their guy flirted with them and made them feel sexy, that they wouldn't get so fat.

So I have changed my mind.  Even in his effort to feel empathy for women like me, I feel judged by him.  So I am not so fond of that quote anymore.  Be kind is just fine - no further explanation or judgement is necessary.

WALK A MILE

In line at the grocery store the other day I heard part of the conversation between the checker and the guy in front of me.  He was a fit  young man in his 30's and they were discussing his work as a trainer and that some of his clients were police and fire fighters.  She, a trim 40 something woman, said her son works at the Marine Corp Recruitment Station with the recruits which don't meet the fitness guidelines.  She said he had complained to her that some of them "couldn't run a mile without puking."  They made noises of disgust ans she said "there is no excuse for that."  He agreed and then left.

I wondered if she felt a bit uncomfortable to see me next in line - large and unfit as I am..  She certainly was not chatty as she usually is.  I left without saying anything.

But this is what has been going through my head:  Walk a mile in the shoes of those of us who do struggle with our weight, with overeating, with the things that may lead us to overeat.  I am not one to attach addiction status to each overweight person - but I do attach a reason, physical, psychological, emotional or learned behavior.

Just last night I had eaten my  dinner of whole wheat pasta with spinach and walnuts and some wonderful watermelon.  I was full.  I could feel the food in my stomach for some time after I ate, yet I wanted more to eat.  It was quiet at work, I was bored.  I finished the book I brought to read and I felt restless and I wanted to eat. 

Hungry?  No, I was full.  Hungry for food?  Yes, eating would occupy me, sooth me, .  Did I eat?  No, because I am learning to be more mindful about what my "hunger pangs" are about and find other things to divert myself, redirect the feelings.  I will say that there have been times in my life when I had feelings akin to panic attacks which seemed to be resolved by eating something.  Times I thought I would fall to pieces without eating something.  Of course, in reality that wouldn't happen - but the feeling is real, too.

So that is what it is like in my shoes at times.  Hard to fathom?  I don't get smoking or drinking beer or being Catholic or enjoying boxing.  I don't get the need to be mean, I don't know why people fear mice or bugs, why people can't eat meat or like rides at the fair that make them dizzy.  We are all different in our tastes and reactions and beliefs and the things we need.

And the other thing - those young recruits?  Those kids are probably away from home for the first time.  Away from  family and friends and the safety and comfort they inspire.  They also, many of them, come from schools that  didn't offer much in the way of physical education and come from neighborhoods which were not especially safe to run and play in.  There were probably not many pools or tennis courts or baseball fields where they came from - not to mention organized leagues and coaches to teach them.  So those recruits who are out of shape and maybe overeating?  Perhaps some counseling or a little compassion would go a long way. 

Okay - getting off my soapbox now. 

A KIND COMPLIMENT

My life has been  more stressful than usual for the past couple of months.  I was coping well with it for a time, but following Christmas I found that I had slipped into bad old habits.  I was eating poorly and staying up late, not going to the gym regularly and sliding into another case of the blues.

I  wish that I could say that all my efforts to eat and live in a more healthy way have changed me, but these things run deep.  I realized today, though, that my coping mechanisms may fail me in some ways, but they serve their purpose in others.

One of the women I work with each weekend asked me today what my secret is.  She said I am always so positive and serene.  Was it spirituality, meditation?  I told her it was stuffing my feelings down with food.  She laughed.  It was a great compliment, though.  She kept saying how kind she thought I was.

We talked a bit about the fact that I have made an effort toward kindness.  I found cynicism creeping in years ago when we started having all our financial troubles and I chased it away with a conscious effort toward kindness.  It means so much to me that that my effort has shown through to someone.  When you are losing weight and people compliment the effort it feels good - I didn't know that a compliment about an emotional effort would feel even better.

WOMEN, FOOD, GOD AND SELF HATRED

I have been reading and hearing about the new Geneen Roth book which Oprah and others are so excited about; Women Food and God. I have read Roth's books in the past and this seems to be a rehash of her themes, which resonates with some women, but not me. I am not a self loathing fat person.

When I was a slimmer, young woman I wished my thighs were not so big, but it didn't stop me from putting on a bikini and going to the beach. I have never been a skinny girl, at my lowest weight I was 130 pounds on 5'5". A solid, but hourglass shaped body. These days they would say I had "junk in my trunk" - and there have always been fans of that look. It didn't start with JLo.

So if you caught the Oprah show and heard them talking about how we have to be kind to ourselves and not shame ourselves - I agree. It's just that not all of us have that problem. No matter how obese I have gotten, I do not hate myself. Roth says:

"We somehow believe that if we hate ourselves enough, if we shame ourselves enough, we'll end up thin, happy, peaceful people. Somehow if I torture myself enough, I'll end up feeling great about myself and about my life, as if hatred leads to love and torture leads to contentment."

I just don't get that and I feel so sorry for people who do feel that way. Having food be the thing you turn to for comfort, for solice, for nurturing or whatever the reason a person turns to food rather than the other more (or less) healthy things out there when stressed and unhappy; then feeling self-hatred for it must be such a miserable way to live.

Since the focus on obesity started up last year, I have felt much more self conscious of my weight. I am much more aware of how judged I am for it. So apparently, the hatred comes from both sides.

I am glad that the book is helping some women find space for themselves in their lives. I hope it helps them be kind to themselves and to others. I hope they, like Oprah, find their answers in Roth's words. I know my food issues are not about self hatred, nor are they about spirituality or God.

I know I avoid feeling emotions by eating, I know where they come from and what triggers them. Knowing doesn't change anything. That is the frustration I have with these books. I spent years thinking if I could figure it all out it would be resolved - but it didn't resolve. The only thing that resolves it is the hard work of diet and exercise or healthy lifestyle or whatever you want to call it. Like a drug or alcohol addict, I will always have the urge, the overwhelming desire to eat the "wrong" things, to overeat when I don't like what I am feeling, to treat myself with food, to nibble all day.

That's what I know for sure.

FRIDAY FAST ONES

1.) Our domestic energy sources of power are not looking so cheap lately - especially to the families of the now 36 workers lost this month alone. We need to be willing to pay more for such a dangerously extracted commodity.

2.) In a telephone job "pre-interview" I was asked what my personal motto was - I went blank. My family just laughed at me because I had just had this saying made for my license plate holder: We are made kind by being kind.

Instead all I could think of was something I used to say to my kids "Just because you can, doesn't mean you should." which is a way of saying Do the Right Thing. Which would have been a better personal motto. Geez. Hope that isn't why I didn't make it to the interview stage for that job!

Do you have a personal motto? (That is appropriate for a job interviwer?!)

3.) We keep having a few days of warm and sun and then a few more of cold and rain. It is making me a little crazy. Today is a sunny day so I am out to plant a few things that didn't get into the ground before the last round of rain. Hope it is spring where you are!

WHERE DO THESE MEAN GIRLS COME FROM?

Insults and threats followed 15-year-old Phoebe Prince almost from her first day at South Hadley High School, targeting the Irish immigrant in the halls, library and in vicious cell phone text messages.

Phoebe, ostracized for having a brief relationship with a popular boy, reached her breaking point and hanged herself after one particularly hellish day in January — a day that, according to officials, included being hounded with slurs and pelted with a beverage container as she walked home from school.

Now, nine teenagers face charges in what a prosecutor called "unrelenting" bullying, including two teen boys charged with statutory rape and a clique of girls charged with stalking, criminal harassment and violating Phoebe's civil rights.

School officials won't be charged, even though authorities say they knew about the bullying and that Phoebe's mother brought her concerns to at least two of them.

Northwestern District Attorney Elizabeth Scheibel, who announced the charges Monday, said the events before Phoebe's death on Jan. 14 were "the culmination of a nearly three-month campaign of verbally assaultive behavior and threats of physical harm" widely known among the student body. (As reported by the Star Tribune.)

So why are these things happening on an almost weekly basis? Why are kids so much more vicious than they were? I know there have always been bullies and gossips. But what is happening now is beyond what we knew, it is beyond natural boundaries of behavior.

I can't help but wonder if it stems from what has happened in "entertainment" over the years. Reality TV shows are all about pitting people against each other, not so much to see who is the most accomplished, but to see how mean they can be about each other, if they can lie and cheat to improve their position. Year after year the shows are more focused on nastiness and one up manship than anything else.

Then there is Simon Cowell, the leader of the snarky judge movement. The sad thing is that he is very knowledgeable and would be helpful to the aspiring contestants if he weren't so interested in making it about him.

There is a whole cadre of the mean girls shows where fights break out, they call each other names and generally display themselves to be sad, self-esteem lacking women who could actually use a great big dose of sisterhood and kindness in their lives.

The youth culture has taken to calling women bitches, whores and sluts because that is what they are called in the music. The videos and music also appear to advocate violence in the face of "disrespect." We think this stuff is just happening in gang infested areas; we are wrong. It is a pervasive part of the youth culture and has been for years.



Our kids have learned a lot of this behavior from us - we have brought this into our homes and allowed it to be consumed as entertainment. I, personally, can't bear to watch shows, including Survivor and Idol because of the meanness. Many shows women tell me are guilty pleasures are things I would never watch because I think they are so demeaning to women. I have discussed with my kids my distaste for references to women as sluts, etc. I speak up when I think someone is being unkind on a show we are watching. I interrupt if my daughter and her friends are gossiping. I do try to intervene and set a good example. I hope my kids would not stand by and let someone be bullied.



I think this woman is very naive and many are like her, which is why it is important that charges have been filed in this case and I will be watching to see what happens. We need to stop calling this "bullying" and label it what is is - harassment, assault, stalking and whatever other terms necessary to make people wake up to the seriousness of what is happening.


I can't help agonizing a little for the students who tormented her too. How profoundly have they been failed by their own community, that nobody stopped them? How much brutality have they already seen in their lives to be so skilled, so young, at directing it at others? How lost must they be that a handful of them were still taunting Prince even after she died, on her Facebook memorial page? Four of the kids up on charges now are girls under the age of 16. That's far too young to be that vicious -- although frankly I can't fathom that level of savagery in anyone, at any age.

Oh, please.

FAMILY GATHERINGS IN HARD TIMES

For many years after we five kids left home, we gathered in my parent's house for Thanksgiving. In the earliest years we came home from college or lived in easy driving distance and they were the only ones with a house big enough for all of us to gather. Over time, we spread out to other states and cities and the holiday gatherings varied in size and make-up depending on who traveled, had babies or new spouses.

After they retired and settled down (first in Tahoe and now in Palm Springs) my parents planned trips around holidays and family events and went back and forth between the Bay Area and Idaho.

After all these years we kind of have this down. Whoever is hosting does the turkey and we split up all the other dishes and bring wine and champagne. Since we have done this so often, we pretty much know who likes to do what, which foods go over well and that Polly likes to make the dessert. Dad gets concerned over the champagne consumption, but hey! Dinner is always served - eventually.

But this year something went wrong.

Dad is mad and won't come.

I am not certain of all the details; he and my sister got upset and she reacted by saying she was too stressed out. I didn't know she was being put on the spot or I would have stepped in, but the bottom line was she couldn't say what he wanted or needed to hear and he couldn't let it go.

This year is different in other ways, too. Polly is an interior designer and work has dried up. Her husband weathered countless lay-offs at Schwab, but not the last one. He is 48 in an industry that likes youth. They are worried about losing their house. They have 3 girls in elementary school.

We already lost our house, we know how hard that is. We have 2 kids in college. I have not had a job since January and have only gotten 2 calls for interviews since then. I am working with my husband to do what I can to help bring in clients to his practice. Each month we hold our breath that nothing big breaks or goes wrong.

My other sister and her husband are doing fine financially. She has taken on the care of his father who appears to be suffering from dementia. She spends hours every week taking him to appointments, shopping for him, paying his bills, doing his banking and making his meals. He is combative and unkind to her. She also has 2 kids and a job.

The stress is massive.

I am not sure why I am writing about this. I thought I might explore why my dad is so touchy and is it a by product of age. Or maybe to discuss how hard it is to get everyone together these days - we have made life pretty complicated with all our activities and our stuff.

But it looks like I am really saying - life is difficult for a lot of people right now. People have a lot of stresses and problems and maybe give someone a break if they say something you don't like. They might be touchy or anxious. You may not know what they are going through. So take a moment. Take a breath. And be kind.

We can all use some kindness.