JUMPING INTO THE GOSSIP POOL - JUST THIS ONCE...

I have maintained my 2012 resolution to steer clear of gossip sites and TV and have become rather blissfully

Mia and Woody with Dylan and Ronin.

and mostly unaware of  many things.  I have occasionally made an effort to find out the details of some items that the media hyped up ( twerking); and  felt glad to be a bit in the know and also found that it was hard to turn it off once I opened myself to the subject.  So I have made more of an effort to remain unenlightened.

So when all the crap started up again about Woody Allen allegedly molesting his adopted daughter immediately upon an honor bestowed upon him at the Golden Globes - I did read this extremely informed and well researched and smart article published on the Daily Beast blog.  I recalled much of this information from the investigations which were done 20 years ago.

If you have any doubts that that young woman has been brainwashed and that Mia Farrow is still a self centered whack job - read it...

MEAN, JUDGY, SNARKY AND FREQUENTLY WRONG

Just the other day Jen on the Edge posted about people making mean comments on blogs and personal attacks on bloggers. That day my sister sent me a link to an article about her husband who was selected to be the new Fire Department Chief in another state.

The article had a nice photo, comments from the selection committee who chose him unanimously over all the other candidates and how much they admired his career and his attitude. It also mentioned that he is from California and that he had retired from his previous position as Assistant Chief.  (He is 51.) It listed his new salary.  It also mentioned that he and his wife have a second home in Coeur d'alene Idaho, which is about 40 miles away from the location of the new job - so they have local ties.

Scrolling down to the comments - wow.  What a bunch of haters!  Out of the 20 or so comments there were only 2-3 that were positive and welcoming.  Mostly they were nasty about being from California, which I ran into when we moved to Washington State back in the '90's.  I would have thought after all these lean years that the benefits of business, tourism and money to buy homes flowing in from California and other states would be appreciated - apparently not. I guess they prefer for their economy to be stagnant rather than have to interact with us lepers from California.

The second wave of vitriol was about the fact that he had retired and was now taking another job.  He is only 51.  He has a son in college and a daughter in high school.  They don't know the circumstances of his "retirement" or how much his benefits are or when they even kick in but they are attacking him for "double dipping" in the public sector.  They also don't know that my sister is permanently disabled from complications of breast cancer treatment so they do need an  income.

Third wave of criticism?  That they have a vacation home.  Like the good financial planning of my sister and brother-in-law and the way they choose to invest should be on the table for discussion. Not to mention that my sister worked over 20 years as a Neonatal Intensive Care nurse - no taxpayer money involved.

I suppose commenting on blogs and postings has taken over from the days of gossiping over the fence or at the water cooler.  Except in those days it was kinda done behind the back of the person involved - fewer hurt feelings.  My sister and brother-in-law sort of laughed off the comments, but we all know it leaves a residue of hurt and mistrust behind, no matter how we try to rationalize it away.

We all need to remember that we don't always know the whole story and walking a mile in someones shoes is the least we can do before we go all judgemental and snarky.

SLUT SHAMING

My son attended a wedding last week.  When he arrived a young man gave him and his male friends each a key and told them to hold on to it, that it would be used later in the wedding.  Zac and his friend, the groom,  have not been close for the past few years, in part because the fiance and her family are very religious.  His friend changed when he started attending her church and was converted to their particular Christian  sect.

He attended the wedding out of respect and to see other old friends.  He actually had a good time and was glad he went - except for a few things, one of them I will share.

During the speeches, a member of the bride's family got up and said that the groom had not been her first boyfriend, but now that she managed to get married he thinks all the guys who have keys to her apartment should come up and hand them over.  And apparently, they all did.  They got up and dropped the key they had been given into a jar placed in front of the bride at the family table.

Zac was dumbfounded at what he called the "slut shaming" aspect of this "joke."  I won't go into any of the other antics at this wedding because that is not really the point of this post.

I was taken by his term "slut shaming" and did a bit of research to see how this term is used.  I know that it was, in part the theme of a great movie called Easy A starring my favorite young actress, Emma Stone,  but what else is being said out there about this subject?

One very insightful blog called Dating While Feminist had this to say:

Slut-shaming, also known as slut-bashing, is the idea of shaming and/or attacking a woman or a girl for being sexual, having one or more sexual partners, acknowledging sexual feelings, and/or acting on sexual feelings. Furthermore, it’s “about the implication that if a woman has sex that traditional society disapproves of, she should feel guilty and inferior.” It is damaging not only to the girls and women targeted, but to women in general an society as a whole. It should be noted that slut-shaming can occur even if the term “slut” itself is not used.

Policing women via what’s considered “normal” and “acceptable” boundaries for female sexuality is not limited to sex and sexual activity. For instance, women who wear “provocative clothing” (or just photographed while having breasts) are subjected to slut-shaming. As are women who are sexually aggressive and/or unabashedly lay claim to their own sexuality.

And when I look around me - there is so much of this going on.  I have mentioned the men who come into our bar always making remarks on the "cougars" going to the nightclub next door.  How dare those women dress up and go out looking to meet men - after all, they are not in their 20's any more which is pretty much the last time most men think women should be sexual.  Especially if they are mothers - moms are not supposed to be sexual. 

And while I am not one to ever think a woman is "asking for it" I admit that I am much more comfortable with my daughters dressing more conservatively - leaving more to the imagination, as I have said to them.  I have been uncomfortable in the presence of women dressed differently than I would.  I have considered their clothing "provocative" which is a certainly a judgement based on sexuality.  And really, so what?  If that is how she chooses to present herself, to celebrate her body why should she be judged for that?


In a Canadian court, a judge let a man off who raped a 25 year old woman because the victim and her rapist met "outside a bar under inviting circumstances."  The judge pointed out the victim and her friend were dressed in tube tops, no bras, and high heels and noted they were wearing plenty of makeup.  The judge called the man a "clumsy Don Juan" who may have misunderstood what the victim wanted.  (I am sure her struggles and crying out "no" while being raped off on the bushes was hard to decipher what with those high heels and all.)

The proliferation of gossip shows, fashion critiques, reality shows which pit women against women or set up competitions based on sex appeal have all contributed to a culture which is quick to judge others and very quick to persecute for sexuality.  This does not only apply to women.  Just think of what was done to Anthony Weiner and Bill Clinton. They certainly didn't get off with an old fashioned "boys will be boys."

That these "good Christian" folks thought it was humorous and appropriate to suggest that the bride was a slut at her wedding goes so far beyond the boundaries of good taste it sounds like something thought up by writers of tacky bromance movies.  Too bad in this case that the men attending the wedding didn't refuse to participate once they knew what the mysterious key was for.  Perhaps if they, no, if we all, could stop and think of how we would feel if these things are being directed to the women in our lives, we could all put a halt to this shameful practice.

A NEW SUBJECT

Okay. It is obvious that no one wants to hear about my sucky job search any more. So I will gossip.

Apparently the tabloids have been commenting on the attire of the children of celebs. Not about the ridiculous amount of money spent on the clothes, but whether the kids are dressing appropriate to their gender and age.

Case in point was Suri Cruise and her little high heels. I have always thought the photos of little Suri showed she is dressed in expensive but age appropriate, cute clothes. I would not have given in to the heels, except for playing dress-up at home. But so far, I think she looks darling and well groomed.

The Jolie-Pitt girls seem to sport their mother's edgier look. The tabloids are fretting over the gender identification of the 3 year old because she is so often seen in "boys clothes." I did a quick tour of Google images and it looks like both the older girls do wear darker colors, jeans, leggings and sport shoes rather than mary janes. The uproar started over a photo of Shiloh in a little hat, tie and "boys" jeans which she is reported to have picked out to wear (perfectly normal, according to the experts.)

As the mom of boy girl twins, I felt I had an opportunity to experiment a bit with the gender identity thing. We knew we were having a boy and a girl so we had a lot of pink and blue clothes for them when they were little, but I decorated their room in primary colors and when they were older, I dressed them for day to day activities in non-gender specific colors and clothing. The play area was full of all kinds of toys and they played with things pretty equally.

This was the case until about two. Then they started sorting the toys as his and hers. She started wanting to choose her clothes and wanting different colors like pink and purple. This stuff is somewhat hardwired, people. But is is also in what they see around them, what their mom and dad wears, for instance. No harm in that. We should be a lot more concerned for those kids whose parents allow them to dress like hookers.