ONE YEAR A WIDOW

I was thinking about why I stopped posting this fall.  I know I wrote about 3 posts for every one I published.  Too much angst and negativity.  Not that 2020 has been easy -  but it hasn't been easy for any of us.  I guess it just felt like piling on.

Anyway.  It is now a year and 1 week since my husband died.  His birthday was yesterday.  I felt a little pressure to commemorate his birthday but coming on the heels of the death date it seemed too much focus on what is past and can't be changed and he wasn't into his birthday anyway.

I know I sent out some cards last year, and responded to some of the condolence cards I got but when I sat down to write out my holiday cards I realized I couldn't remember what I said and to whom.  I reflected back on a few things during that first few months and realize I am quite fuzzy about them - at the time I felt very in control and rational.

There was so much that had to be done and decided and so any difficult revelations
after his death that I immersed myself in carrying on.  It really wasn't until this summer that things began to settle, tax issues were adjudicated, credit issues determined, etc. Then I did a bit of traveling to see my aged parents and ailing sister and then I got a puppy.  So still making myself busy and distracted.

It really has been a year of distractions - I kept trying to get out and do things and Covid restrictions kept shutting them down.  I had to deal with a couple of minor medical issues - made not so easy by the current situation.  It was wound up by the election, RBG's death, all the political shenanigans.  And now that much of the dust has settled and we are once again staying home and keeping distances and holiday shopping and mailing is done and the weather has turned frigid - well, grief has been smacking me around quite a bit.

I have allowed myself to accept it, to let it move me.  When I began to cry while walking the dog (there was an older man riding his bike down the street) I just let it happen.  Watching TV shows where older couples are choosing a vacation or retirement home - tears for what I won't experience.  When the couple bicker over stuff when house hunting - I get mad.  When the widow in the movie has a home for her family to gather and trim the tree - I feel sorry for myself for not having that. I kept thinking of things I am not going to be buying for him for the holidays - our little traditions gone for good.

 So it took a year, a lot of distractions and avoidance, but now I feel more.  I wondered if it would happen and it has and it's okay.  I'm not depressed, I am simply in a place where I can feel and acknowledge all that has been lost to me and our kids and continue to carry on without fear of being broken. Sad for what has been lost but making a new life day by day.

 

WITHOUT END?

 By my count we are on day 25 of unsafe smoke filled air here - we did have almost 3 days when the wind blew in from the East sending it all back toward the coastal states -  and then it stopped.  All day it looks foggy outside. And now the inside of my house is almost as toxic as outside.  My eyes burn and my throat is sore and everything smells of wood smoke. 

A new friend and I had planned two outings - both cancelled.   One event was a walking tour of outdoor murals around town.  Masks and social distancing and a small group. I was really looking forward to that.  Dinner with my son and daughter in law and a masked pedicure are the only actual human interactions I have had in 10 days.  Though it could be worse, an old friend still can't see her husband who has been hospitalized for 3 weeks (not Covid.)

Then the Rump and his team decided to come to town and hold a campaign rally.  Reno authorities said no - it was against the state and national Covid rules.  So they changed the event to a "protest" and went to a more rural and red county and held their "protest."  About 5000 unmasked folks crammed together in roped off areas for hours - now they've come home and I expect will super spread the virus here and ruin our good efforts to get our numbers down.  The college kids have done really well - our numbers have been trending down a bit since school started - and the governor was finally ready to allow bars to open.  But this event is sure to mess things up for us all.

I live really close to the University here, but I have not seen any political signs or the like, so I planned to just lay low. After the Woodward tapes came out, I changed my mind about getting a yard sign.

And a tee shirt. 

I have been watching more TV now that I can't spend time outdoors.  I have learned I have to be careful what I watch and when.  I have become very shaken by violence and even tension in programs and have bad dreams, especially if I watch at night.  I am also hyper emotional and find myself choked up and tearful even over the news and programs and events I have seen before.   Someone suggested this is all grief related and they may be right.  Can't exactly join a support group right now though, can I? 

So I spent much of this week organizing cabinets, moving things around in the basement and rearranging my pantry area.  I stuffed batting into my couch cushions to shore up the divots.  I cleaned. I made real dinners.  I baked keto cookies.

This morning when I woke up my house was dim and smoky.  I checked the air quality site and it was at the most dangerous level yet -  going outside was not advised. I slumped on my couch and I thought - how can I keep this world from squishing me?

SUMMER OF 2020 COMING TO AN END

 Outside it is 96 degrees  the sky is a smoky gray that will turn orange when the sun begins to set.  We've had only a few days in the past month that being outside didn't leave you with smoke smelling hair and stinging eyes.

Currently the fires are in California but we have had a few big ones here in Nevada. The afternoon winds I used to complain about are not happening much, so the air just sits still, hot and thick.  If it weren't for the fact that so many people are being displaced and losing everything I would complain bitterly about this new pile-on to the pain of 2020.  But I just look forward to the very early mornings when the air is cooler and if I walk through the thick greenery of the Arboretum, the smoke doesn't sting so much.

The calendar says Fall starts in 2 weeks. I am not sure I am ready to give up on summer - the months of construction noise, dust and inconvenience on our street had finally come to an end right about the time the wildfire smoke descended.  While I enjoyed the effort of planting things and making the yard a bit nicer, the heat, noise and smoke reduced the pleasure.

As a newly retired person and on my own for the first time in 37 years -  it's all a big adjustment.  Having Covid-19 crush most normal life and cancel all the researched, well planned and hope filled ideas I had in place to start my life in a new place left a lot of hours to fill and not much to fill them with.

My routine has been to go walking at 8 then do errands or just head home to water and tend to my plants and stuff.  I take my protein drink outside with my book and enjoy the outdoors before it gets too hot - usually by 10 or 11 I am inside again.  

I have discovered these online surveys that "pay" in gift cards.  They get redundant but it is something to fill time and knocks down my Amazon habit.  (I generally have 5 books lined up to read on my Kindle.)  I also subscribed to the NY Times online.  Sooo much content!  

My son figured out why I couldn't watch stuff on my streaming channels and fixed it so I have been watching more movies and documentaries and less news.  I managed to make it through the two "conventions" but my mood has gone decidedly downhill in their aftermath.  

Some days I see that my easygoing, do whatever I feel like doing life is something others envy - even under these limiting circumstances.   I have enjoyed many of my days meandering through the hours.  I am now thinking I need to do some work - on myself.  I need to figure out my new life, my purpose,  my roles.  

Not sure how to go about it, though.  Any suggestions?

WALKING FOR SANITY

It has been hard to start living alone just as this stay at home way of life started.  I know it has been hard for pretty much everyone.  All of us have our different dynamics, challenges and feelings.  The exception has been my youngest daughter.  She has been working non-stop in the food and beverage industry since she was in high school - she was furloughed  and has had the first break in 10 years!  But I digress.

 One of the reasons I decided on the little house I live in now is its proximity to Rancho San Rafael Regional Park.  It has a huge dog park, an Arboretum & Botanical Gardens and covers about 600 acres of space.  I have been going walking through the park several times a week all through the late winter and spring.  

It turns out Reno is really windy.  Did not know that before I moved here.  As a cyclist, I hate the wind - but as a pedestrian, it isn't all that bad. However - gale force winds gusting 30-60 mph is not conducive to a walk in the park.  As a Californian, I am geared for warm weather to start in March. It snowed and hailed and froze the water in my birdbath on June 7 here! 

When I go for a few days making excuses for not walking and then shove myself out the door I am always so happy my better nature took over and sent me out into the fresh air - be it cold and windy or scented with new blossoms.

This past week I discovered that the iris finally bloomed as did the lilacs.  There was a heavenly scent coming from the Mountain Roses. There are little cotton tailed bunnies all over the place and ducklings in a row paddling across the pond.

My sister got me started painting little rocks to be left behind when out and about, and it is always fun to see if my latest rock has been discovered and carried off.  I am no artist - the rock pictured here is my homage to Kandinsky. I made a whole series of them!

I usually walk for 30 to 60 minutes.  I go pretty early and find people are good about distancing and are still friendly.  I bring my mask but have not needed to wear it. 

I have made an effort to reverse my routes and find new paths and to climb at least 1 or 2 hills on each walk.  I don't listen to music on headphones, I listen to the birds and rushing water from the snow run off while it is still melting. I like to walk past the dog park and watch the romping pups.  I usually stop and find a bench and do a brief "meditation." Then head home again glad I made myself go.

SIX MONTHS A WIDOW

We all know time is a fickle thing - for me last month seemed to last forever, for you it might have passed in a blur. Six months ago just happened.  Six months ago seems like a lifetime past. Six months ago today was a Saturday.  It was Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day.  It was the day my husband died.

I had to look up what day of the week it was.  The 22 days living in the hospital were marked by the rhythm of shift changes.  The whiteboard laying out each day's status updates, planned meds, infusions and procedures. During the last few days spent in the ICU many of those personal connections were lost as treatment stopped and reacting to each new problem and symptom began.  In the ICU they didn't know him when he arrived 18 days earlier, weak but still himself.

Tom at the top of the "Rocky Steps" in Philly. September 2019

And now here I am.  Living alone in a little house in a new state with a fraction of my belongings collected over 37 years of living with my husband.  Each day I am reminded of things planned 

which will not happen. I open a cabinet and see his hat or the velveteen bag containing his ashes.  I usually say "Hi Tommy" and go ahead with what I was doing. I have moved from pain to wistfulness. 

I know for sure that I would be in a more positive mood today if not for the Covid 19 situation.  The classes I signed up for were cancelled, the social groups I had hoped to join have delayed events until late June or July, the gym closed.  The voids in my life I had hoped to start filling will have to wait a little longer.

I have the benefit of living in a small house with a large yard.  I don't particularly like gardening but I find myself pulling weeds, planting herb gardens, fussing over tomato plants, spreading  bark, watering, sweeping off the patio and porch.

There is a large park nearby with many walking paths and I have watched winter turn to spring as I traipse through it several times a week.  I've stopped having the TV on all the time for company.  I make lists of things to do and check them off as I complete them.  I am baking low carb cookies and cinnamon bread, grilling salmon, eating the first cherries and apricots.

My son and his wife have shared their murder mystery boxes with me following nice meals in their home.  I am in touch with all 3 children nearly every day and have Zoom gatherings with other family and former co-workers.

Alone together - isn't that the theme of the day?

SAD SHOPPING

 They say never grocery shop when you are hungry.  I have learned it is very expensive to grocery shop when you are feeling sad.

When I feel sorry for myself I spend $153.00 on things like:

1. Pate (2 kinds)
2. A nicely shaped pot I can put mosaic tile on even though I have 3 at home waiting to be similarly  adorned.
3.  Four sweet indulgences which I hope will last 2 weeks until I shop again - they won't.
4. Shrimp - because no shrimp packing plants are under siege - yet.
5. Three kinds of cheese even though I already have 2 kinds in the frig.
6. A $2.00 avocado - which will never be worth what I spent. 
7. Three kinds of berries not on mark down. 
8. Green onions to replace the 2 slimy bags of green onions I removed from the frig.

I also bought some ground lamb and chicken - because meat packing plants. Four greeting cards which I need to swear off because they are ridiculously expensive. I have been saying that for about 2 years now, it is an addiction.

I couldn't buy any Lipton Tea and a few other things on my actual list.  There were many more empty shelves throughout the store than I have seen before.  My cupboards and refrigerator are full - no more shopping just for something to do. 

Except for plants at the nursery...