FRIDAY FAST ONES

1.)   Had a discussion about fraternities before our book club meeting got onto the book discussion (those packs organizations.  I was very happy that my son, actually, I was also glad my daughters had no interest in "Greek Life."

of you in a book club know how THAT goes...) and there was agreement that the boys act like tools when they get together in these

It seems like the kids in those groups fall into negative and sexist roles at a time in their lives when they should be opening up and looking at each other as individuals and equals. 

But of course we can't get away from the sexism even as "grown-ups."  Witness Bloomberg's Businessweek:  the magazine's website recently asked readers to vote on which business school had the most attractive female students.  Geez.

The good news is that they were shamed into taking the poll off their site after a few days.

2.)  I was in REI to pick up an order and there was a mom with 1 little  boy strapped to her back and another one, about 4 or 5 years old by her side.  I didn't catch the whole interaction but the boy was asking (probably for the umpteenth time) about where his backpack was. 

Mom turned to him and said "Look at my eyes.  Now calm down.  Let's take a deep breath together."  He looked at her and they both took a deep breath.  Then he said "Let's take a deep breath together." And they did.  She finished the transaction and off they went.  Wow.  What a great lesson she is teaching her son.  So much better than drugging him up.

3.)  Speaking of sons, I want to say how proud I am of mine. He is going through a difficult time in his personal life which has caused him such heartache and thrown his plans for his future into turmoil. He is handling the situation with a grace, thoughtfulness and kindness that just amazes me.

HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

Many years ago when I was still a young new mom I remember asking my mother how they had managed to raise us with such a strong sense of personal responsibility.  She said she had no idea.  That it wasn't something they had consciously done, yet 4 out of the 5 of us have that value at our core.

Ally and I were having lunch in one of those soup & salad places today and we were noticing how many people took the no charge blue glass meant for water only and were filling them up with sodas and other drinks.  This brought about a discussion about values and she asked me the same question I asked my mom:  How did you raise us to be this way?

For me there was a conscious effort, but it was such a constant  discussion and modeling of behaviour that it, apparently sunk in without feeling hammered in!  I know that "walking the talk" means doing as you say - but it also means speaking out and explaining why you are doing things, what the decisions are based on and when it is a bad decision (like my tendency to drive over the speed limit on the freeway) that I am willing to accept responsibility for paying for a ticket should I be pulled over.  On the other hand, I never speed on residential streets because I so dislike it when others do so on the streets where we live.  Speaking these things out loud, explaining my reasoning is something my kids have always been interested in hearing and sometimes, debating!

By the same token, when I have seen an action taken by others that I don't agree with, I might point it out and explain why or ask them what they think of it.  Getting into discussions of values and judgement.  Sometimes it was successful and sometimes it wasn't - but I still tried to engage in those discussions with some frequency and from the time they were very little.

I think it is important to do the right thing even when you could get away with doing the "wrong" thing - or as I always say to them "just because you can doesn't mean you should."  Parents who teach their kids what they call "shortcuts" or ways to cheat or how to "get away with" getting a soda without paying for it are raising kids without a sense of right and wrong. 

As it is kids are growing up in a world where Wall Street employees make millions based on their deceptions, there are "cheat codes" available for video games and their sports heroes are doping to get ahead.  So the belief becomes "everyone does it, why not me?"  Parents are the strongest antidote to societal ills.

Ally was surprised and angered to hear that businesses pass on the loss of legitimate income from shoplifting and other thefts (like unpaid sodas) by raising the prices on all their goods for everyone.  We all pay for the cheaters.  Both out of our pockets, with the damage to our society inflicted by the mistrust and loss of respect for our fellow citizens and, most importantly to me, with the damage  increased cynicism etches on our souls.

WHEN THE SYSTEM FAILS

Mrs. G posted a question on her Derfwad Manor blog last week asking if readers valued justice or mercy.  I said I go back and forth, I aways have.  One of the most frustrating things for me in law school was to learn how many cases are resolved based on rigid and out of date standards.  How frequently lies are told and evidence is suppressed or made invalid.  And worse, how frequently mercy (and common sense) was bypassed because the system is not about fairness but the "rule of law."

Today have seen the result of another aspect of our legal system.  One where those of us observing the legal maneuverings of the Casey Anthony trial were shocked to hear that the verdict could possibly be anything but guilty.  And yet she was found not guilty on all counts relating to the death of her child.

I can understand that the standard may not have been met to find for pre-meditated murder.  I do not see how the jury could find reasonable doubt that she was involved in the mistreatment or neglect of her daughter leading to her death (manslaughter.)

The standard is reasonable doubt - not no doubt.  I don't think this was a case of jury nullification as in the OJ Simpson case.  I think that the defense threw out so many other scenarios, most of them outrageous and none with any factual foundation, that they somehow got caught up in the what ifs.

I suspect the mercy part is going to show up in the sentencing and she will be let go without any further jail time.  So sad for all of us that the system, as good as it can be, failed us again.

FRIDAY FAST ONES

1.)  My mom is a lefty.  Because of this, I grew up a bit ambidextrous and mixed up.  I ironed with the board backward for years, I sew awkwardly in the wrong direction and I have always had to stop and think a moment when coming up with right or left.  It was a revelation to me when I learned righty tighty and lefty loosey just a few years ago.  It cleared up so much confusion for me! 

I've had my car with one of those electronic keys for about 5 years and only about a week ago did I realize that I don't have to look at the buttons on the key because righty locks it tight and lefty opens it loose!  My light bulb moments are getting mundane - but at least I still have them occasionally.


2.)  Thursday nights there is a big patio party with live music, multiple bars, fire pits, big screen TV and I don't know what all else at the restaurant next door to the hotel.  It draws a huge crowd every week - valet parking is necessary for the overflow parking.  The police are out in force at 10 when the music stops to pick off the drunks in their cars.  We get a lot of very tipsy people trying to come into our place for the nice bathrooms and sometimes to keep drinking after the party shuts down.

Apparently the crowd at this event is on the older side.  But I have to say - I am really tired of middle aged  men coming into our bar complaining or joking loudly about "all the cougars" next door. I find the term offensive and every one of the guys is just as old or older than any of the women I have seen coming and going.

Why do men feel entitled to younger women.  Why do they feel entitled to put down women of their age who are out there having a good time?  She we just be locked away after 35?  Am I taking this too personally?

3.)  I took Ally to see the Head & Neck doc today.  Her frequent sore throats, strep and mono have gotten to the point that she is insisting she wants her tonsils out.  The doc agreed that her tonsils were huge and it could be beneficial to have them out.

I have no problem with doing it.  I had tonsillitis repeatedly well into my 20's and never had mine out but would have liked to.  I can understand her misery and she is sick a lot.  The problem?  Her dad.  He is adamantly against any medical alterations to the body.  He didn't even like letting her get her ears pierced.

So my question is - do I go against him in this?  She will be 18 in a couple of months and can make the decision completely on her own - should we just wait?  Any input on teens getting tonsils removed?

FRIDAY FAST ONES

1.)  Just read in the paper that one of the booming products in "this tough economy" is liquor.  Said to be an inexpensive luxury item, say compared to a trip to Hawaii!  A great rum drink is like "taking a trip to the tropics."  Okay.  I guess that's another way of saying we are trying to drown our sorrows...

2.)  Ally has gone camping with her boyfriend and two other couples and we have not heard from her.  I am sure it is because there is no cell service and she has never heard of a land line or pay phone on which she could call her mother to reassure her that she is safe and using sunscreen.

3.)  Hurray!  My benefits have kicked in and we have already been to the doctor for Ally 3 times and gotten caught up on our prescriptions. 

Boo!  My benefits cost 2/3 of my paycheck.

4.)  Have you ever put yourself on the waiting list at the library for a bunch of new releases?  I have been using the library as part of my new "groceries are more important than books to some people" austerity plan.  Problem is that suddenly 3 of the books I waited for are all waiting for me at the same time.  Yikes.  Gotta read fast.  I am 75 pages into the new Elizabeth Berg - it's a good one!

5.)  I spent the day at SF State for Ally's orientation on Monday.  I was very irritated that the program for the parents was, as one staffer put it, "keeping you busy so the kids and staff can get their part done."  I am not a helicopter parent.  If there was not going to be a role for me, why suggest that I should be there?  The only thing that saved the day for me was that Ally got registered for her classes, she met a new friend and we had some time together.

Oh!  We ran into a girl who had been Ally's BFF in elementary school and early middle school.  After she moved away we made some long trips back and forth but eventually those stopped and the girls fell out of touch.  But there she was sitting a table away at the orientation!  They are going to the same school - out of all the schools in the country! 

I don't know if their friendship will be rekindled, but it was an amazing coincidence.

6.)  The Alameda County Fair opened this week and my sister and I are going for our annual visit to see the pig races and visit the animals, the gardens, and all the exhibits the kids don't even know are there because the Fair = carnival rides!

ANOTHER GUN STORY

I've been there.  the kids are talking back, anger flares and  builds with each outburst. The Florida mom who shot her two teens for being "mouthy"  brought me back to a morning in the car when my son, not even a teen then, talked back to me.  I slapped him.  Not my finest moment as a person or a parent.  I still remember it after 15 years. 

The option between the slap and being shot in the head is obvious. That Florida mom was depressed.  She had told her mother that she was struggling.  During that struggle she went out and bought a gun.  In her struggle, frustration, or whatever was going on in her mind - she shot both her children. 

So what might have happened if there had been a waiting period of say 2 weeks before she could have gotten a gun in her hands?  Her husband would have been home from his trip out of the country.  Perhaps her mother would have come for a visit.

Is it so much to ask of all those people who are so rabid about their rights to have guns to have to wait a bit to put their hands on one?  If she lived in Illinois where she had to apply first for a gun owners permit before she could purchase a gun - her purchase would have been delayed by up to 35 days.  Think of all the help or other options she might have chosen in all that time.

Her family would be intact and perhaps, like me, she would only have a slap on her conscience.

SUPER SEVENTEEN

Every parent wonders how the years go by so fast - how did she get to be 17?

Happy Birthday to my little Ally Sally!

FRIDAY FAST ONES

1.) I have started a new blog about my "Diet Again - 2010".  Enough said on that subject except that being able to throw a couple of meals into my purse in two seconds flat was very helpful when it came to...

2.)  Spent the day in the ER with Ally on Thursday.  When I woke her up in the morning she was speaking nonsense so I thought she was talking in her sleep.  She put her hands to her head and said a bunch of words that didn't go together and when I asked her questions she looked at me like she couldn't understand me. 

I RAN TO THE PHONE. 

While I was on the phone with Kaiser she came down the stairs and tried to participate in the questions the nurse had - she had improved a bit in her ability to understand and could show where her headache was.  We ended up calling 911.  The 7 EMT's who crowded into our livingroom evaluated her and determined it was not a stroke.

3.)  After seven hours in the ER, a CT and other tests (but short of a lumbar puncture) it was diagnosed as a migraine.  I was not aware that  aphasia was a side effect for some migraine sufferers.  This was her first migraine. 


4.)  One moment of levity at the hospital came when an aide came into the room to put the hospital bracelet on Ally.  The nurse was trying to put it on and the aide, a Vietnamese woman, was saying "Is it defective?  I'll get another one."  The nurse was saying yes it wouldn't stay on.  The aide said "Defective.  Probably from China!" in this lilting  accent - everyone cracked up.


5.)  When Ally was feeling better I told her I was worried and taking this all very seriously not just because the doctors and nurses and para-medics and everyone was so worried, but because she came down the stairs and left the house without her phone.


The true sign of serious illness in a teen.   JK  (Just Kidding)

A COSTLY LESSON?

Our daughter has just turned 16 and gotten her driver's permit. She has been eager to go out to practice driving everyday and had been steadily improving. She drove my husband's big Dodge Ram truck yesterday for the second time. I personally don't like to drive the truck because it is so large and heavy and the covered bed of the truck reduces visibility, however, our older daughter drove it for years and loved driving it.





Tom usually backs the truck into the driveway and so she wanted to do the same. The first time she parked it with great success. Yesterday she did this:

Actually, it was much worse before I took the picture Tom had been inside the garage pushing the panels out to assess the damage. She hit it so hard that the back bumper of the truck was pushed forward and caused a flat tire, the paint is scraped on the back of the truck and the tailgate doesn't go down flat. Worse is that Tom's nice car parked inside the garage was also damaged.

We are awaiting the insurance appraisal and for the cost to be added up.

Our Daughter is horrified and upset and saying she will never drive again. We want her to learn from the accident, to recognise for herself what went wrong so she can carry that awareness when she drives again.

Tom and I are at odds over whether we should expect her to contribute to the cost of the repairs. What do you think?

AN ENCOURAGING WORD

I ran the Kaiser gauntlet today. We finally got to see a specialist about the stomach pain Ally has been experiencing for 2 years. We had to drive for over a hour to get there, then they sent us to the wrong building and floor. Fortunately the GI doc was great and helpful and I am hopeful.

Outside one of the elevators was a little poster with a full page of things to say to "Encourage Your Child". The quick glance I got included "Good job!' "Keep going." and other inane things that it is hard to believe have to be written down.

I have been noticing many parents who seem to be dragging their kids around, speaking to them in the gritted teeth kind of anger and berating them for walking a few feet away in the store. It makes me sad, but I also remember that I was tense with my kids so much of he time, too. When you are in the thick of it - it is hard to see how harmless so much of their behaviour is.

But to make a list of the most simple things? Like people don't already know how to praise or encourage their kids? Then I realized. I've never seen that flyer in the Kaiser where we live. It was posted in Oakland where a largely minority population lives. Their lives are probably a lot more stressful than mine ever was. And if they were raised in the same difficult environment, maybe kind words were few and far between and so those words of encouragement don't come so easily.

So Ally and I both had an enlightening visit to the doctor.

My Many Homes

I realized today that I actually have many homes - or at least many hometowns - or many places to which I have an attachment.

My son is at school in Monterey. I have visited Monterey many times and like it very much. But now I always check to see the weather report as if I need to dress for the temperature there. I have an interest in the local activities as if I am going to attend them...strange.

I have a daughter at school in Philadelphia. I have visited there 3 times. On my last visit she very proudly wore me to a stub showing off her city. Now when I see movies and TV shows set there, I actually recognise places.And say Oh, that is such and such a place, I've been there. I know when it snows - and not just because she still calls me every time to tell me with great excitement that is is snowing - but because I watch the weather reports from there, too.

In 2 or 3 years when graduate school and our younger girl going to college start - just think of the real estate I'll have an interest in.